just an ordinary me.

“I would not leave you in your times of trouble. We never could have come this far. I took the good times, I'll take the bad times, I'll take you just the way you are.” ~ Billy Joel

I went through an incredibly tumultuous time at work last year that sent me into a spiral of negativity. First I had hurt myself on the job, and then some conflicts came up with some of the nurses that spiraled out of control (because of them, not me). Lisa, being the dutiful wife/partner/inspirerer, went out and bought me a surprise gift to help bring me out of my funk. It was all small things of course, a book, inspirational bookmark, and a thoughtful letter to lift my spirits.

Of course, during this time I was still going to physical therapy and was limited on what I could do on the job. So I packed my bag full of busy puzzles and the book that she bought me, Chicken Soup for the Woman's Soul. I flipped to the section I felt my soul needed the most, and read incredible stories among more incredible stories. Then finally it hit me, the one story that hit home.

I can't recall at the moment the exact story, but the gist of the story is an older woman recalling her son's difficult childhood. I was drawn to this boy's story of overcoming diversity. He wasn't the popular kid, in fact he was quite the opposite. Coming home everyday upset because he was picked on, and didn't look like the popular boys. Every day his mother would tell him "I love you just the way you are." His mother's undying love for him gave him the strength to hold his head up high every day, with dignity and respect for what he was given.. and years later helped him become a success.

This incredible story was about Billy Joel. I'm pretty sure I burst into tears in the patient's room when I realized completely the story was about him. I have always felt connected to his music, my "soul" music when I am down, or feeling alone.

Everyone has their soul music that just pauses time and cuts to the soul. So just remember, when you are down and nothing in the world seems to be going right.. revert back to your soul and it will lead you back to your path.

In light of the new year approaching, I have been thinking a lot lately about life -- past, present, and future. How ordinary decisions turn into extraordinary events in time, good or bad.

One thing I have been struggling with over the past couple of years is readjusting to life outside of the military. By that I mean the reality of life vs. the expectations of life. When I got out I decided to move back home for a variety of reasons. Primarily to be closer to my friends and family that I missed so much while I was away. While I gained a wonderful "life partner" in the process and got closer with my sister, I have felt the rest is less desirable. I have spent the better half of this year coming to terms with it, and trying to reconcile strained relationships back to their previous form. I have found the outcome to be 50/50.. some relationships it works for and some it hasn't.

I think what hurts the most is that their is a stark difference between the reality and the expected, and knowing what I left behind to obtain that. In the military I had some great friends, and here I don't, unfortunately. There I had (friend) companionship, here I don't. In result it has brought Lisa and I closer, as we have only had each other to depend on, and she will always be my ultimate best friend, partner, companion, lover, and everything in between. But there is always that sense of lost friendship from friends who used to be really close to me, friends who still expect me to act like the perfect friend but yet don't want to put the effort out there.

Part of my New Years promise to myself (I HATE resolutions!) is to throw out the bad, and cherish the good. Not saying that I will discard old friends, but not care as much about their prickly disposition :)